beelas blog

the R-E-S-P-E-C-T lovesong

2010-04-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

This ain't no R E S P E C T love song
I was hit by a ton of bricks backwards out a window- fell to the ground looking up
Blue, pink, green swirling around me
I got up slowly as if something else, as if someone else entered my body- respect
Respect myself means you can't use me- you can't use my body
You can't use my love
You can't use my mind
And neither can I- to make you fall in love with me- to make you see me- to make you prove to me that I exist.
Respect myself does not mean I get to stand here stamp my foot and demand
Respect me! Respect me! Respect me!
No- it means I respect myself and you
It does not mean I am a vat in which you release all your shit into because well-
I can handle it
It means I am a vessel of truth beauty and love
where I get to rest and open to you
It means I choose- not because I need to but because I want to
It means I get to have my corner in the sky,
And so do you
Not because I have to earn it but because it's my natural born rite.
See I spent too many years making up for the space I take up on this planet only to realize I get to grow roots and limbs,
And in doing so am protected by the source of life
Instead of cool stone walls
I get to have boundaries - permeable - discernable
That allow things like love to flow in and out
No longer sealed off by hard surfaces with you on one side and me alone on the other making you pay for what happened to me.
I move forward in my life without regret loss or despair
I walk on in fields of green grass- sloping curving around the earth
Remembering as this path leads me home
I, yes I- get to have it all
And so do you

This ain't no R E S P E C T love song

[sing] “And we were dancin’ dancin’ in the kitchen I said tell me tell me you said listen listen
Hold me hold me- I'll get older so please let me lean on your shoulder”

I can stand here and know respect so well in my body- that by being it.........

You Understand .

Dangerously Dreaming

2010-04-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

I’m inside out, upside down, I’m topsy turvy about to tumble over until your eyes catch my curvy body falling over
And all of a sudden im right side up, standing straight, body erect all in check with everything around me
Realizing I’ve now been daydreaming about your caress for what seems like five decades.
I lay down a few feet away from you feeling your mind go in circles about what your face up palms on your lap want to do
as you glance at me.
I catch it and you look away
See its this game we play so often, where we love the look in eachothers eyes but we don’t stare too long because we know dangerous.
Too damn dangerous, so we look around the room for a couple seconds more and our glances coincidentally meet again.
And then we stare for a few more seconds and the game goes on.
You see, I wish I were corageous enough to keep looking
Because I know what I feel when I look away
Always asking myself why I didn’t stay fixed on the mirrors of your whole being
But then I remember, you leave too.
You see,
It’s little things like that that’ve got me goin crazy.
I try and center myself breathing deep, going down into the core of my existence
Into this deep and profound sleep
Where my mind wanders to this land where I find myself standing face to face with a crystal salt lamp that lights up the whole town all around me
I caress it for what seems like hours following the endless curves and crevices
Your standing behind me as I love this crystal and then you walk towards me
I feel your breath on the back of my neck and it makes the hairs stand tall
It gives me goosebumps everywhere but I stay staring at the purple being until I know im corageous enough to turn around
And look at you
And this time, im staring hard. Really hard.
Because your standing close, and theres no where else to look but right here and right now.
This is it
so my heart beats hard
So hard you feel it against your chest.
And this is the best feeling I’ve had in a long while. Theres truth all around me and I’m cornered against a salt lamp with nothing else to find but more truth
So I close my eyes until you come closer, and this time, its so close our lips are touching but we’re not kissing
We’re listening
To bliss.
But I’m impatient so I kiss you.
And god damn you have soft lips.
I ask you to Grab my hips and fall deeper into this trip this dream with me.
And So you do.
And now we’re in the Star Queen Nebula
Face to face with stars so bright they burn our eyes
so we cover them.
To see them, we don’t need to open them
I look down to see our feet planted on a comet and our fingers laced together.
I’d stay in this place forever but then the music plays
It wakes me up and I open my eyes to see it’s the sunlight burning my eyes.
Shit.
I hope I wasn’t snoring.

untitled

2009-10-16T07:02:00.000-07:00

It was life as we knew it
Flawless No need to edit this is the real shit
I sat hudled within the warmth of the untagged car
Looking back through the rear view mirror it was a bright star I saw
All so raw no sugar coat, fondants or creme caramel
This is reduction I'm talkin about
Something I have no doubts about
U make me wanna scream and shout at the top of my lungs
I've got I love u on the tip of my tongue
U are the freshest air to my lungs
This is something
We've both won
This love will never be shunned
We've run this since... Day one
Sort of...
The rain came and brought me pain
But the sun always claims the hardest of pains...
Babe, Thanks for bein on that train.
The rays shone hard upon my eyes till I could barely see
Ur love fuckin blinded me
It grew from dirt
To the one of the most beautiful trees
And Soon we'll own the forest
U'll be king and I, ur queen
This is us--no in betweens.

a wind called love

2009-10-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

It intrusively wrapped it's freezing cold arms around me and introduced itself as love
Gave a brief description about how it was like the wind and all but I barely paid attention because I knew it had some twisted intentions.
It babbled on for a while

But I sat there and gave a smile
I didn't want to get caught up in this game,

what a shame it would be

to be given a name- a title-

in love-
I didn't want to be tangled
And entwined with something so intense

but soon enough I was on the fence,

hence:

It wouldn't stop talking,
Getting up in my face
Chasing me around until I had no choice
I gave in
it caught my attention and I was deeply tangled being strangled by this thing
This wind called love

Soon enough the sweet nothings came and my attention was consumed in this ilegitimate story about:

How two people can coexist.
How two people can be angry and kiss
How forgiveness is part of our existence:

it made a decision

and deeply made an incision

my heart had risen

I soon tuned everything else out and the volume was drowning me
Like quicksand I could not remove the sound
But it was hot and I was cold
I let it make a mold
Around my soul
It took me a while
But I fell in love with love
It was the thing I'd walk infinite
Miles for.
I was interested
So fuckin adicted
And I loved it
Isnt that twisted?
How much I have shifted?
All this shit has been lifted and now
I'm the one that's gifted.

2009-06-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

This morning was something so groggy,
As I rose from my comfort to find that:
Michael Angelo was apparently having a bad day,
Cuz it was fuckin foggy.
I pressed my body up against the freezing cold window
And died a little bit inside as I did so
God of weather, why are you so upset?
So I dug for the answer deep inside,
And something told me not to fret,
Please not just yet.

So I stayed for a little bit
And told myself not to quit,
This weather kinda fits.
Right now it suits the world:
This crazy swirl of people who whirl around pretending to dance a ballroom pataburret
When we need to accept:
It’s just a plain shitty bad day
Let’s shut the fuck up and not say
Don’t look at me and say “you’re so gay”
Cuz if you wanna go there, it’s a whole different topic
So lets just drop this
Mop this up

This whole mess could be spick and span
But remember your “please and thank you ma’am”
Let’s use a little bleach to teach these people:

Ballroom dancing is an illusion
So let me take you to the club of no conclusions
Where I sway just to express and say
Look at my mean hips…
Wanna take a trip?
To where the sweat leaks down to my finger tips
so hot I may just have to strip,
Not my clothes but this cover
This rubber
This protection that hides the fact that I am a lover

From streets to steps to beats to breaths
From streets to steps to beats to breaths
From streets to steps to beats to breaths to…
Hips
Just kiss my lips
And
Take a grip,
Dance with me
Not the shasays, pataburrets or pleays
The dance that’ll make the rain go away
The one that we’ll do
Everyday.

you are my drink

2009-05-22T20:50:00.001-07:00

Check this out:
So, today I see a girl as she settles in her chair playing with her hair taking in that starbucks air
Of coffee beans, sweet melodies as they grind and miraculously become liquid and wind in someones mouth teasing their taste buds from impossible perfection.
This bliss, this section of life—where poetry, music and lattees seem like a great abyss of faultlessness.
A dream correct? Just an ordinary coffee joint—nothing too on point
Wrong-see, this is where this girl I speak of, became entwined with the same girl who wrote this.
They became one at this ordinary place
Where everything was paced
In this space was that place
where pleasing was impossible and latte foam massaged my nervousness away
and the kinks in my soul were taken far off, not another day with this
nervousness.

I understand that coffee may just be coffee
But to me,
Its way beyond that
I’m talkin’ about that first sip
Oh please don’t drip I want it all.
I’m talkin’ about that strong mocha that goes to show ya
I simply wan’t your chocolate skin, I mean please make that skim.
I’m talkin’ about those extra hot caramel ribbons beneath your mocha sheets
You taste so damn sweet.
I’m simply talkin’ about you.

You’re are so multi dimensional
Every inch of you is talent in and of itself
You’ve showed me to love this nation
So differently I’ve made some altercations
But I think its okay to wait because I think we’re headed for a station

A station where my flavors mix with yours to make a perfectly satisfying drink
That sinks
Down my tracks and links somewhere in this crazy mix
But I’d hate to jinks anything so
Just be you
Be that flavor they call bold because
It does not mold it holds its shape and refuses to fold
You are my incurable common cold
The one that’s cured with some hot chocolate and makes me feel like I’ve got
Alpine gold
In my soul.

Stay on this ride where curiosity is the fuel
Where there are no exclusionary rules
Just the right tools to be.

Take this train and blend with me
Make it the new drink they’ll call the fruit of the poisonous tree
Where you’ll be the poison and I’ll just be me
Harmonies, sweet melodies, Happily and unity.
The drink that’ll make you say
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
That was just so god damn refreshing.

2009-05-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

I am an artist

I take photos and paint on white boards to express that yes I have an offer for you

Wanna know?

I’m not afraid to show my smarts

Because I love

I mean, hey yeah that’s scary but it’s normal to be afraid because-

I am no Mary.

I mean, the Mary the we hail all full of grace

Why not pick up our pace and bitch out those fears.

Tune up those ears and listen.

See, that’s the problem—we don’t listen

Babbling on speaking of things just so we glisten,

Maybe I’ll be more if I yell profanities to show,

You know…

That rebellious vanity in me

Shit!

But I am no liar

I’ll speak truth and nothing but

Maybe I’ll contort the lies and call them so, but remember, this is my god damn youth.

So let me paint you a picture, where I risk spilling acrylics

More than just on paper—where this watercolor will pour from my eyes as I show you that this is more than just idyllic.

It is for real-ish

It’ll take some time but be patient with me

I mean, it is one of the seven virtues

So tell me now and tell me true that I am an artist for me and not for you.

Call me selfish but pardon my language-

youll have to withstand this bitchy-ness if you want to you know…rock with me

you see, I’ll paint you a picture.

But expect to feel confused because this is abstract I do not re-enact or contract I just act,

On the moment

To completely show it.

This offer,

I have one for you-

Take it or forever wonder

Why the hell was I so afraid?

Make yourself, don’t break yourself

Love yourself don’t hate yourself

Be yourself don’t cheat yourself.

palabras

2009-02-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

Undefined random pointless circles of scrambles of palabras (words) roamed through my head fighting for words of my own identity,
Palabras, yes words,
I’m a Latina fighting constantly finding the words that stick, the words I spit, combining all wit
To finally click, so HIT IT:
Yes, a breath-collaboration.
And that was the unity I felt that day, the hot one, laying on green listening to the blue skies above speak unity
Union square that was the location that clearly made sense.

I sat just watching lovers, loners, dealers, musicians of all races come together to smile with their eyes squinted just slightly to block the sun
The same sun we take advantage of,
on those hot days.
The fresh henna ink on my shoulder put everything into perspective that simple Tuesday,
That birds are the symbol of freedom,
Able to fly aimlessly for release,
On shoulders, the canvases of my body,
those photographs and yes, in the the sky too.

I am Nabila Betances, daughter of a strong single mother who refuses to let people undermine the abilities of her ability to raise those two crazy children
Yes, with attitudes, Nabila and Marcel.
There is no weakness anymore, the tears of no father are over,
We are not alone-only a triangle,
The three of us we will be.

My self identity was distorted,
Constantly struggling from the inside out—the internal battle,
Where pain was used as ammunition and love was used to combat it
The warriors living in every heartbeat fought long hard hours non-stop to cease this love,
The enemy.
Even at rest, the fight existed.
Those moments I fell asleep with worries lingering this complex brain that owned me could not be counted,
Simply putting it in numbers would be-just too simple.

And that was the problem,
I am Nabila Betances,
Simply complex,
A lover of love,
A warrior of peace,
A word contortionist,
An art guru,
A sensitive individual,
Who cries when necessary.

Nothing lasts forever and all wars end,
The enemy ended up winning leaving Nabila with no pain,
Much gain.
Fearless and united with the parts of her that never seemed to connect.
Why? You ask.
Because she could.
I did.